CINDERELLA: A SOCIALLY DISTANCED BALL (Turbine Theatre/Theatre Café)****

 

By Aashiq

Link: https://www.thetheatrecafe.co.uk/shop/cinderella-a-socially-distanced-ball-online £12.50

Available until: 1^st January 2021

Age guidance: 18+ Language, content which could offend or disgust.

I’m quite offended I was asked to review this. I mean, how do they know I’m not under eighteen? I have a fake ID and everything. My fake ID actually says I’m twenty, but nobody’s ever asked to see it. Which is just rude. I do get asked my age sometimes by charity workers who are only allowed to sign up under-25s, but everyone knows they’re just after my money.

Money. Do you remember money? It’s what I used to have before I started spending it all on livestreams. But it’s been money well-spent as it supports my fellow actors and it means I can very casually mention it next time I need a favour from one of them... (No, I wouldn’t do that. Except in my daydreams. I have all sorts of daydreams. I even have one about Boris Johnson. In it, he’s fully-clothed and he’s stepping down from being prime minister in order to spend time with his six seven eight many children.)

So anyway, much as I like talking about myself, I do also enjoy talking about other people. I would rather do it to their faces because I do love an audience, but we all know what the situation is. And big, big hugs to everyone who’s been put into Tier 3 today. It was so unfair the way they got your hopes up like that. It’s a real kick somewhere personal with steel toe-cap boots on. And that isn’t obscene, this is Cinderella, you can’t do Cinderella if you don’t talk about balls. And I’d have to get up very early in the morning (and trust me, I’m not doing that if I can help it) if I want to be filthier than Cinderella: A Socially Distanced Pantomime. If I’m a bit much, don’t watch it. It would be too much for your delicate souls.

Though I’d personally be more concerned for my delicate soles. A GLASS SLIPPER???? And with her upbringing, you can bet Cinderella can’t handle her piña coladas. (But it’s okay. It’s not a glass slipper in this version. They’ve got something much safer and, most importantly, much more fashionable.)

The script is written by Jodie Prenger and Neil Hurst. The jokes are terrible, you can see them coming a mile off… they really know how to write a panto. They push the boundaries, it couldn’t be less PC if you watched it in a laptop-free zone, but it’s fun and there’s no intention of offending anyone. Except maybe a little tiny bit, but it’s Christmas, it’s the season for offending people and I can guarantee they’ll offend you a lot less than the relative you’re secretly glad you’re legally not allowed to see this year.

The format is the same as a pantomime with all the expected ‘he’s behind you’ etc. There are quotes from musicals to watch out for and puns on musical titles, as well as a couple of rewrites of songs from what we probably can’t quite call existing West End musicals. But they will be existing West End musicals again.

Daisy Wood Davis is a sparky Cinderella (if not a sparkly one – she leaves that sort of thing to her sisters) with personality, confidence and a… broader vocabulary than most Cinderellas. You go, girl. Keep twerking. Debbie Kurup lends her fabulous voice and hair to the role of the Prince. I’m almost interested. I mean, what gay boy doesn’t want to meet Prince Charming? I just wish she had a bigger role. Debbie is criminally underused. Rufus Hound is cute as a Buttons. Very funny and a lovely guy. I almost want to take him home with me, but I’m not sure my husband would be very hospitable.

And then we have our three gorgeous drag queens. Sean Parkins (Fairy Godmother) is very feminine with a gorgeous voice and the most beautiful red sparkly dress, which I’m coveting madly. She’s obscene, hilarious and I want her in my acting repertoire.

The Ugly Sisters, who are actually very glam, are played by Scott Paige (whose character’s name is a very rude word which is short for Frances) and Oscar Conlon-Murray (whose character name isn’t in my dictionary and therefore isn’t a proper word. She’s called Vajayjay. No, there’s nothing proper about that name). I would love them to be my sisters because I’d be the pretty one and I’d be able to steal Vajayjay’s sparkly leopard print dress, which would have been made for me if it hadn’t been made for her. I’m not sure who the costume designer is, so I’ll give the credit to the costume supervisor. Well done, Pippa Batt.

Director Lizzy Connolly has done a sensational job of bringing this pantomime to the stage. Despite all the naughtiness, it looks like, feels like and is a pantomime. David Shields’ sets look great and it’s unwieldy enough to cause trouble without ruining the show, so it’s perfect. Ruthie Stephens has put together some very enjoyable choreography which I am so going to watch back and teach myself.

And I’ve been trying to give up crisps for ages. After this performance, I think I might actually succeed.