THE PANTO THAT NEARLY NEVER WAS (Theatr Clwyd)***

 

By Aashiq

Link: The Panto That Nearly Never Was! Online | Theatr Clwyd

Available until: There are performances on 30^th and 31^st December and 2^nd and 3^rd January. Access is for 24 hours and begins at 12.01am. BSL signed, audio-described and captioned versions are available.

Seriously if you’re at primary school and you want to watch something a bit rude with good music but which your parents will totally give you permission to watch, you should definitely consider watching this pantomime. You don’t even need to get any money out of them (though if you want to look really virtuous, you can always ask them to donate) as it’s free for under-18s. There’s a lot to snigger at here and I should know.

But is Christian Patterson's pantomime a show for the younger kids? The very little ones might be okay, but probably not the ones who are old enough to ask what Viagra is. You might be able to shut them up by saying it’s medicine, which is so not likely to be their favourite subject, but what if they get all persistent?

Also, the music is kind of old. No recent hits (I think the most recent one was probably the one that was sung by Taylor Swift when she was still cool). I think there was probably only one song I knew when I was at the usual pantomime age. (And maybe the Taylor Swift song too… could you believe I was at nursery in 2014? Actually, no. Even I can tell that doesn’t work. That would make me nine years old and I’d have to go through puberty again and… let’s not go there.) The music is great, but it’s not music that’s going to get the children singing along. I’m not sure they’ll be massive Tom Jones fans, either. Or even Tom Fletcher and Danny Jones, even they’re not quite as (Mc)Fly as they used to be. (Not that they were actually mentioned. I was just trying to be clever again. Terrible habit.)

There are some good jokes. I loved the bit with the chocolate bars where they got out one at a time and used every single chocolate bar in what they were saying. It went a bit like this (these actual puns weren’t used. I don’t think. I could have remembered wrong). Dame Deni thinks she’s a Lion but she’s a Whole Nut. But poor Bella was Bourneville-ain and will always be villain to some people. They think she’s like Lindt in your tummy button. No I’m just Maltesing. But I’m Bueno at this, you’ve got to admit. I have an Aero’f je ne sais quoi. Even if you do currently want me to Rolo-ver and die because I’m so annoying. But this kind of thing is right up my Quality Street and I think it calls for a Celebration. There’s no Black Magic, I’m just coming up smelling of Roses. I’ve had my Moments. Okay, I’ll chocolate button it now. You’re Heroes for reading all this.

That kind of thing. Though I actually adore Dame Deni. Now there’s a woman after my own wardrobe. I could definitely give her a few pointers, but only if I can raid her wardrobe too. It’s a fabulous performance from Daniel Lloyd, who really has originality as a dame. He goes along with some of the conventions, but he does his own thing too and he’s a brilliant musician. (And no way is he old enough to have a handsome young son like Dylan. No way.)

Ben Locke plays the aforementioned handsome one and it’s nice to see a comedy pantomime dame’s son with one or two brain cells. Most unusual. I do like a bit of originality. Ben gives a really fun performance. And there are only two male characters in the whole pantomime so I’m delighted that both he and Tony the Town Crier (Luke Thornton) are both easy on the eye. Even if the latter isn’t always easy on the ear.

Chioma Uma is lovely as Maybelline, a good fairy (of the female persuasion) with an actual personality (though there have been a couple of good fairies with personalities about this year, let’s be fair… actually, they might have been around for a few years, I haven’t been to a pantomime since I was in my Gareth Gates phase (no, not in 2002! How old do you think I… never mind. Don’t answer that). Alice McKenna is a gorgeous as bad fairy Bella Trix (that’s one of the stars in Orion, you know… just showing off. I always liked looking at Orion’s sword. It’s not that easy to see, but you do get a flash of it sometimes, if you’re lucky).

On a serious note, I love Bella’s storyline. Obviously, I also hate it as no-one should ever be judged as bad in some way because of how they look and how they dress, but we can’t have too many examples of someone who’s been negatively judged proving to everyone that the judgement was wrong.

It’s not a bad panto at all. I really enjoyed it. It’s just maybe not one for the kids. (Though neither is this review.)